


I blink January’s lashes and gush down December’s cheeks

by DracoPendragon



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Canon, Angst, Canon Compliant, Canon Era, Canon Het Relationship, Canon Related, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, F/M, Hand Jobs, M/M, Minor Violence, Non-Graphic Violence, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-26
Updated: 2016-05-26
Packaged: 2018-07-10 08:21:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6975268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DracoPendragon/pseuds/DracoPendragon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Life is, essentially, made up of key moments that affect us and our decisions. These are Steve Rogers' key moments, until he's frozen in ice.</p>
<p>'12 years old. Steve has a bloody nose and a split lip, and he can taste the metal from the blood in his mouth as he gets punched again and again, but he doesn't give up, always gets back up, willing to continue fighting. If you run, they'll never let you stop.'</p>
            </blockquote>





	I blink January’s lashes and gush down December’s cheeks

**Author's Note:**

> Title comes from Sanober Khan's _Turquoise Silence_

**6 years old.** Steve’s father is dead, one of the countless soldiers who died during the First World War. His mother’s bedridden, the tuberculosis slowly killing her from the inside. Steve plays toy soldiers by himself, alone, dreaming of the day he’ll get to go and fight. He doesn’t have many friends, gets excluded from games because he’s too weak. _That_ _’_ _s what they think._ Steve’s mom knows there’s more to her son than what there looks to be. She knows his heart. She reminds him to use his head, because not doing that is what killed her husband.

 

**12 years old.** Steve has a bloody nose and a split lip, and he can taste the metal from the blood in his mouth as he gets punched again and again, but he doesn't give up, always gets back up, willing to continue fighting. _If you run, they'll never let you stop._ He won’t pay the toll to cross Tenth Avenue, doesn’t have the money to, and damned if he’ll let some bully tell him what to do. He’s been living in the orphanage for a few years now; his mom couldn’t fight the tuberculosis any longer. He’s saved, an unknown figure driving away his bullies, and first of all Steve goes to fight his savior too, until he calls Steve an inspiration. ‘Good to know you, kid. James Buchanan Barnes. My friends call me Bucky.’

 

**16 years old.** Bucky talks about girls a lot. It’s something they do while they’re sitting in a den made out of the couch cushions, even though they’re slowly outgrowing the worn cushions. Steve notices girls too, pretty dames in the street or in the clubs where Bucky drags him sometimes to go dancing. But Steve, even though he focuses on the girls he sees, he focuses on his friend too. Bucky’s cheeky grin as he spins some girl round in his arms, the way his hair falls across his face as he moves to the rhythm of the music playing in the background. Steve thinks about the way Bucky’s lips would feel against his, what it would be like to dance with his friend. It shouldn’t be wrong, how he feels, he can’t help it, but people don’t get it. Steve knows this, knows from the stories he’s heard of out of the way clubs where men meet to love each other, away from prying eyes. _There_ _’_ _s something wrong about love, but Steve doesn_ _’_ _t understand why._

 

**18 years old.** Bucky’s a real ladies’ man, and Steve’s pretty jealous of the women, although he understands their swooning over his best friend. For Steve’s 18 th, they go dancing, to a new place, and Bucky sneaks him a beer and laughs as Steve chokes on the taste. Bucky always talks about girls and how pretty they are. They’ve shared an apartment now for the past 6 months, but Bucky never brings girls home. If he goes with a girl, he’ll disappear, turning back to wink at Steve, and then he’ll slink back in in the morning, smelling of booze with bruises staining his neck and his hair disheveled. For Steve’s 18th though, Bucky stays with him the whole night, not accepting or offering dances with other girls, and Steve can’t help but smile into his beer bottle. They go home and Bucky is slightly intoxicated, and he falls onto the bed, pulling Steve down with him until they’re lying down together like when they were younger, and Bucky takes Steve’s hand in his own and says, ‘Happy birthday, punk. _I_ _’_ _m with you_ _‘_ _til the end of the line, Stevie_.’ And they fall asleep, holding hands, Steve using his free hand to sweep Bucky’s hair away from his face.

 

**21 years old.** Bucky wants to do something special for Steve’s 21 st, so Steve lets himself be dragged out to a bar by the docks he’s never been to before. Steve’s acutely aware of the lack of females as he walks into the place, choking on the smoke from several cigarettes as Bucky pulls him by the hand to the bar. After they’ve been handed their beers, Steve turns to Bucky and asks, ‘Why are we here?’ and Bucky tells him to ‘Lighten up, punk,’ as he takes a drink.

Both of them end up getting drunk; it’s not helpful that Steve doesn’t usually drink, is a total lightweight. They stumble over their feet as they return back to the apartment they share, and they’re halfway through the door, faces close, both of them grinning drunkenly, when Steve, with a surprise burst of power, pushes Bucky gently against the wall and kisses him. He’s never kissed anyone before, and it’s clumsy, but Bucky gasps into his mouth, bites his lip, seems enthusiastic about what’s happening. He pulls Steve closer, until they’re pressed firmly against each other, and his hands are untucking Steve’s shirt from his pants, palms and fingers warm against Steve’s cool skin. Steve’s fingers are fumbling with the buttons on Bucky’s trousers, warm lips against his neck distracting him until Bucky places his hands over Steve’s and undoes his buttons, letting his trousers fall and pulling away from Steve slowly so that he can take off Steve’s pants, and then he’s touching Steve and Steve could die because he’s wanted this for so long now, it feels like a dream. They’re breathing heavily, Bucky resting his head on Steve’s shoulder as Steve touches him. The tension builds and builds and builds until it’s too much, and it bursts out of Steve with a low moan that Bucky swallows into his own mouth as he, too, succumbs to the pleasure. They go to sleep beside each other, naked beneath the thin sheets.

Steve wakes up and Bucky’s gone, down to work in the docks like he does every morning. Steve thinks back to last night, head pounding. It’s all he focuses on all day, drawing in his sketchbooks; Bucky’s face, their little apartment. _Everything he doesn_ _’_ _t want to lose._ Bucky gets back late at night, and Steve’s made them a meager meal which they eat together at the table, tension hanging over them like a cloud. Both of them know they have to talk about it, but neither of them want to be the first one to bring it up. ‘Steve,’ Bucky says lowly at one point, but when Steve looks over at him from across the table, he just shakes his head and goes back to his meal. They’re curled beside each other in bed, clothed this time, and sober, and Steve’s body is still, and he hears Bucky whisper, ‘I’m sorry, Steve.’ It’s dark enough that Bucky doesn’t see the tears falling from Steve’s eyes.

 

**23 years old.** War is announced halfway through art class. Pencils slip through limp fingers as news broke of the bombing of Pearl Harbor by the Japanese. Steve refuses to let Bucky talk him out of enlisting, knows in his heart that what he’s doing is right. _I have to do my part for my country_. He asks Bucky for help to train him, and four days later, Bucky’s fist connects with the side of his face and Steve falls flat on his back into the middle of the boxing ring.

13 days later, Steve and Bucky are both in line at the U.S Recruiting & Induction Station at Govenor’s Island. They wish each other luck, and Steve can see that even though Bucky has faith in him, his friend doesn’t want him to join, wants him to be sent home. Steve can sense the rejection before it comes; ‘There are ways to serve your country other than fighting.’ ‘But this is the only way that matters to me.’ He leaves, sees Bucky, knows his friend was accepted to fight while he wasn’t. ‘Steve… I’m… I’m sorry,’ Bucky begins to say, but Steve stops him, going towards the door. _Towards a second opinion._

 

**24 years old.** Steve finally gets his chance to join the army, on his fourth try. He becomes Captain America, but he’s not fighting like he wants to, like he knows he should. He learns his lines and his choreography, but it’s not what he wants to do. He knows he could be doing more, but no one else realizes his potential. He remembers what his mother told him; _‘_ _Whatever you dream, you can be, but you_ _’_ _re gonna have to fight for it._ _’_

Peggy Carter is enigmatic, and Steve was enchanted from the moment he saw her. He never thought he’d meet someone he likes as much as Bucky, but Peggy is amazing, and she, like his best friend, actually seems to notice him. Steve is inexperienced with women, but she seems to like him. He just wishes he knew how to act around her.

 

**25 years old.** When Steve finds out that Bucky’s been captured, he knows that he’s going to go and save his friend no matter what the consequences are. _Bucky would do the same for him._ Peggy and Stark help him, and he’s eternally grateful for them. He’s overjoyed when he finds Bucky, because his best friend is alive and that’s all he could want in this moment. They need to get out, and after pulling Bucky a few steps, Steve lets him go on his own again, because there’s time for greetings and explanations in more detail later, and Bucky can handle himself. When they’re out, out of that hellhole, and Bucky is with him again, back at the camp, Steve almost breaks down in tears when they’re alone. ‘I was so worried about you,’ he whispers. ‘I missed you too, punk,’ Bucky says to him as he pulls Steve into a hug.

 

**26 years old.** Bucky falling, his scream, hot tears in Steve’s eyes as he watches his best friend plummet down, down, down. Steve wakes up, tears streaming down his face. The vision plagues him nightly, seeing Bucky fall, over and over while he’s helpless to do anything _. I couldn_ _’_ _t save him_. He’s lost his best friend, his first true friend, his first true love – if he dares admit it, even to himself – and now there’s nothing he wants more than to tear down the bastards who took Bucky away from him.

 

**27 years old.** Peggy kisses him before he jumps onto the craft, finally, the build-up of tension between them coming to its climax. Peggy’s lips are sweet, smooth, and Steve’s transported back in time to his first kiss, 6 years before. There’s the spark there, both times, a connection between two people who just fit together, but they’re different; different circumstances, different everything. It’s over, Peggy’s lips gone from his, and Steve feels his heart sink, as though, deep down, he knows this is the last time he’ll see her this way.

The craft goes down, splintering the ice covering the sea, and all Steve knows is cold, darkness pressing in as he impacts the freezing water, thinking about those he loves; _Mom. Peggy. Buck. I_ _’_ _ve done the right thing_. It’s dark, and then there’s nothing.

**Author's Note:**

> I should be revising


End file.
